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When you gaze into the Plumlee the Plumlee also gazes into you

There are as many types of Duke fans as autumnal fall colors in the greater Burlington, North Carolina region—which is to say about 3-5. There is, “Holy crap everything is awful! I’m going to set myself aflame in my Duke Snapback!” guy; “Never speak ill of Coach K or I will slit your throat while you take out the recyclables” guy; there is a perennial favorite: guy who wants K fired after Duke looks sluggish against Clemson for 8 minutes in the first half; and guy who yells at Carolina fan not once but twice at Sidewalk Art Festival (that’s me).

And then there are the Duke fans who cringe (or barf Biscuitville) when the Plumlees get mentioned. For nobody embodies the high expectations each Duke season brings, with its tantalizing flashes of brilliance (usually in November) and ultimate letdown (you know, except for those 4 titles) than the brothers Miles, Mason and Marshall.

I’m not one of those fans. I still remember where I was when I heard that Miles had decided to come to Duke instead of Stanford; I hope Mason shatters the Serge Zwikker-esque career trajectory he’s been on with a dominating senior season; I’m irrationally freaked out that Marshall Plumlee already has a foot injury. I might even have looked at pictures of Miles Plumlee’s girlfriend on Facebook because I know the sister of a Facebook friend’s Facebook friend and only felt quasi-dirty about it. (It should also be noted that my wife refers to Miles Plumlee as “the hot Plumlee.”)

But I bring sobering news, based on studious research, about the eldest Plumlee, now a rookie on the Indiana Pacers. News that Duke fans need to digest, news we cannot ignore and pretend doesn’t exist.

Miles Plumlee, of Duke, has the worst college stats of any first round NBA pick…EVER, OF ALL-TIME since before James Naismith hung up the peach baskets EVER. Please gaze into the distance for a few minutes as you ponder that.

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