The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship Introductions

George Shea:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bunettes and the Bun City Dancers. Bun Boy Nation.

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Ladies and gentlemen, in his rookie year he is already ranked no. 24 in the world. From Nigeria, now residing in Morill, Georgia, he’s eaten 34 ears of sweet corn. Six feet, nine inches tall, let’s hear it for Gideon Oji!

From Dixon, CA, 6 feet 2 inches tall, ranked no. 14 in the world, he has eaten 10 pounds of boysenberry pie. He won the Lincoln, Nebraska qualifier. Let’s hear it for Steve Hendry!

He struggles to understand the nuances of our culture. The difference, for example, between a butt dial and a booty call. But he understands everything there is to know about competitive eating, and he’s widely acknowledged as a tamale-eating specialist: 50 and one half tamales in 12 minutes! From Wichita Falls, TX, the great “Nasty” Nate Miller!

Ranked no. 12 in the world, from Cleveland, Ohio, 5 feet tall, 200 pounds, he’s eaten 31 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs and buns in 10 minutes, Jeff “The Beast Man” Butler.

He was gifted at birth with a flawless memory. In fact, he can remember exactly what he was thinking at this precise moment 20 years ago to the day, from today, 20 years from now… which is right now, it’s today, it’s this second obviously, so he knows what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, “why am I hear listening to this guy? I could be in the Hamptons.” Ladies and gentlemen, from Visalia, CA, Pablo Martinez!

He is the lumberjack breakfast and French string bean-eating champion of the world. He was buried alive under 60 cubic feet of popcorn, and he ate his way out to survival, which is why he’s ranked no. 19 in the world by Major League Eating. The David Blaine of the bowel, the Evel Knievel of the alimentary canal, the Houdini of the Cuisini: Crazy Legs Conti!

He is a teacher from oxford, MA. He ate 30 and one half hot dogs and buns in his first contest ever, let me hear it for Geoffrey Esper!

From Chicago, IL, 23 slumburgers, 24 hot dogs and buns, 6 pierogis and 180 guillota, ranked no. 10 in the world, let me hear it for Juan Rodriguez!

He is entirely committed to competitive eating! He will do whatever it takes to win. Three days ago he broke up with girlfriend and euthanized his dog to leave a void of emptiness inside him that he could fill today with hot dogs and buns, ladies and gentlemen. The cannoli-eating champion of the world, with 32 cannolis in  6 minutes. A marathon runner from New York City, let’s hear it for Yasir Salem!

He has eaten 30 moon pies, he can use the world “dude” as a noun, pronoun, verb, adverb, adjective, and exclamation, dude. He is the beer pong champion of Phoenix, AZ. In fact, he is the king of all bros, the scion of the House of Bro. Ladies and gentlemen, son of D-Train, son of Steve Dawg, son of the Shermanator, son of Fitzmeister, son of J-bone himself: The great Brian “Dud Light” Dudzinski!

He is the spot shrimp and rye bread and sweet corn eating champion of the world, and yet he is most proud of his Scandinavian heritage, which he celebrates by shopping at Ikea, driving a Volvo, and cooking on a Viking Range. The no. 6 ranked eater in the world, who has consumed 34 hot dogs and buns, let me hear it for the great Erik “the Red” Denmark!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Matzah ball and green bean and donut-eating champion of the world. Are you ready?

He is the pop gurgitator extraordinaire
The one who weaves to the beat with the
no thought or care
Fridge empty, cupboards bare
The one that rips snacks out of school backpacks
Looking over your shoulder like Michael Jackson
He’ll be there, eating like pac-man
Digging into your candy dish, yo it’s a wrap song
Yo who be there? Badlands baby
No ifs ands or maybes, devour like crazy
He’s like the dog in the Looney Tunes baby
He gets the steak, he’s like what, no gravy?
Superhero with a fork and spoon
Trading like X-men in the danger room
He’s like a pirate, always procuring food, quicker than you, masticating like ….

Ladies and gentlemen, Badlands Booker!

Six feet, one inches tall, 200 pounds, 32 years of age. He is ranked no. 7 in the world. He is the crawfish eating champion of the world! He ate 36 dunked oysters down at Acme Oyster House! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for the man who can eat 33 hot dogs and buns, Adrian Morgan!

He was born outside of time, a witness to all possible realities. He was there when the sea and the sky were mixed together as one, and humans floated from the depths of the Pacific to the very edge of space, where they looked out at the stars in the blackness. He was there when druids walked the earth, and he watched as mankind built great cities, developed technology, and invented complex language with combination words such as “bromance,” “labradoodle,” “manscaping,” “frenemy” and “fratacular.” One man has witnessed it all, and of all times and all realities, this is his favorite here in Coney Island. Let’s hear it for the man of mystery, EATER X!

The no. 23 eater in the world, right behind his arch-rival Joey Chestnut, a man he has beaten many times. The bacon and birthday cake and frozen yogurt and gyro and twinkie and slumburger and pumpkin pie-eating champion of the world. Fifty-six hot dogs and buns in ten minutes! Many believe he is the future of the sport: Matthew Stonie!

(Baba O’Riley plays)

You know what this means. In a world of nothing—of barren hills and cracked earth and once proud oceans drained to sand—there will still be a monument to our existence. Bleached by the sun, perhaps, and blunted by time, but everlasting. Because this man represents all that is eternal in the human experience. The courage to stand for a nation when all others fail or turn away; the strength to recognize the value of freedom and to accept its cost, no matter how great. Through the curtain of the aurora, a comet blazes to herald his arrival, and his victory shall be transcribed into every language known to history, including Klingon! The bratwurst and pierogi and Hooters chicken wing eating champion of the world! Eight-time Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog eating champion of the world. The no. 1 eater in the world! I give you America itself! Joey Chestnut!

Let’s get the Bunettes up here…

(commercial)

This entry was posted in Miscellaneous. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *