The Queen of Style Checks In

Ever week or thereabouts, our new contributor Carrie will be analyzing uniforms from around the Tobacco Road universe. Today’s assignments are below.

1. Duke Football’s Black Uniforms

Duke's "controversial" new uniforms. Also appears they didn't quite make this play.

It’s not so much the shoulder stripes that concern me with Duke’s new uniforms – I actually think those are quite sharp and on a different uniform (on a different team?) might even lend an (appropriately) militaristic look to the uni – really, I’m bothered by those white helmets. First I wondered if Duke could only afford one helmet for each player that they had to wear no matter the uniform. But, like, I guess Duke has a lot of money? So that means these are by choice. And if that’s that case, bad choice, Coach (the coach chooses the uniforms, right? Like, that’s the most important thing he does in the off-season, no?) The white dulls the impact of the powerful black and strong stripes and basically looks like a flag of surrender.

2. Maryland’s Controversial Flag Unis

Say what you will about LeBron (but don’t say it here, because honestly, I am so sick of LeBron talk, pro and con), but that man is the FIERCEST dresser in professional sports (Runner-Up: Amar’e, with whom I guess I feel I am also on a first-name basis). He wore a light-blue shawl-collared sweater at a press conference once that most men would not even understand, let alone risk wearing, and he looked so sharp, I nearly cried. I immediately wished I had the 7ft frame and rogue confidence to pull it off, but alas, I just had to gaze and admire, knowing I could never recreate such style myself. This is all to say, LeBron, I like your style. So, it pains me to disagree, because I have to assume as a lowly human, not shawl-collar-wearing demigod like LBJ, I’m probably wrong about this, but: I like Maryland’s new uniforms.

The fact that this guy's eye is obscured does nothing to dispel the Two-Face look of these shirts.

Sure, they’re batshit crazy-looking. I mean, the flag upon which they are based is basically an abomination of state flags anyway, and mixing all those colors and patterns is just incredibly risky. Yet, somehow, these new unis manage to walk the fine line of being both NASCAR-adjacent and pretty freaking intimidating. Just the eye confusion they’d cause QBs alone has to be worth one interception this season. So, my man LeBron may be hatin’, but I’m sort of lovin’ the look, Terps. (We will address your absolutely ridiculous mascot at a future juncture.)

3. The Duke of Richmond

(Editor’s note: when I tried to search for images of the Duke uniforms on Google, I typed “Duke Richmond.” Instead, I got Charles Gordon Lennox, the Fifth Duke of Richmond. So I made Carrie analyze him too.)

I believe Duke Richmond partied with the Regiment of Dragoons. So, yeah, he's cooler than you.

Speaking of dapper males, let’s have a hand for Duke Richmond, who I guess is a person? Truth is, I’d be equally surprised to learn Duke-Richmond was a football match up this week, so I mean, I’m ready to go with it if you are. The main point is: dude could dress. Check that sweeping shoulder coat. I have no idea the proper term for such a thing, but I do think it’s sort of sad that they’ve gone out of fashion. Why warm your whole body when you can play favorites with your shoulders? Everyone has a Good Side and it’s high time we begin rewarding it with more than just countless Facebook profile pictures. This shrug’s for you, Rightie.

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6 Responses to The Queen of Style Checks In

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  1. daniel says:

    i have to say i wholeheartedly agree on the maryland unis. after hearing everything people had said about them, without having seen them myself, i was pretty underwhelmed with how crazy they looked, and actually quite impressed with how dope they were. much better than any abomination oregon wears.

    re: lebron – i think you have to say wade is clearly the better dresser and the trendsetter. see this picture:
    i’ll give you that lebron is looking sharp, but wade is wearing a freaking BROOCH. personally, i always try to rock a small pin (for some band or richard nixon) when i wear a cardigan, but wade is going full on elderly white lady with that – NO ONE ELSE CAN MEET HIS SWAG.

    1. Shane says:

      What’s your favorite source for Richard Nixon pins? Mine would have to be, I think.

      1. daniel says:

        my heart skipped a beat while waiting for that website to load. i will never forgive you for teasing me like that. here is my favorite, representing my two alma maters:

    2. Nate says:

      They both just look SO uncomfortable, don’t they?

  2. Nate says:

    …Wait are you guys serious? I’m from Maryland. The only pride I felt after seeing them was pride that I didn’t attend the University of Maryland. I only stopped my eyes from bleeding yesterday.
    In case you were interested, the MD flag is based on a mixture of two coat of arms from the Calvert family and the Mynne family. Of course, these two families had completely different color schemes, so the National Guard – of course – decided to mix them together to make the only state flag that you need 3-D glasses to appreciate. The relevant state law is below:

    (b) First and fourth quarters.- The 1st and 4th quarters are paly of 6 pieces, or and sable, a bend dexter counterchanged. Thus, the 1st and 4th quarters consist of 6 vertical bars alternately gold and black with a diagonal band on which the colors are reversed.

    (c) Second and third quarters.- The 2nd and 3rd, quarterly, are argent and gules, a cross bottony countersigned. Thus, the 2nd and 3rd quarters are a quartered field of red and white, charged with a Greek cross, its arms terminating in trefoils, with the coloring transported, red being on the white ground and white on the red, and all being as represented upon the escutcheon of the State seal.

    As far as I can tell, “escutcheon” means “we really tried to make this as unappealing as possible, with the hopes that one day a misguided Nike competitor would attempt to top the ugliness of a football uniform consisting of green and yellow feathers by superimposing a literal interpretation of the ‘bottony countersigned’ bullshit we’re inventing.”

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