The Top 15 Moments from the UNC Foootball Media Guide

You can view the guide here. As with the Duke version of the top 15, I’ll be doing this as I go along, so there’s a good chance that #1 won’t be any more compelling than #15. Let’s get it started with a picture of UNC’s new coach, “Sir” Everett Withers.

I was born in 1963 in Charlotte, NC, but my name was born in 1732 in Yorkshire, England

15. Oops!

From the 2011 schedule page:

Oct. 22 – at Clemson – first game at Clemson under head coach Butch Davis

(PR people scuffle around) Ha! Um, funny story… (muffled shouting, sounds of paper crumpling) I’m glad you asked! Just, uh, just give us a minute here… (gunshot)

14. Memories

From the coaches list:

Offensive Coordinator/QBs – John Shoop

Last year, I watched the LSU game with a couple friends. One of them was a die-hard Tar Heel fan, and he absolutely hated John Shoop. So much so that our other friend began to call him ‘Shoop.’ The Shoop hating friend was very much against this, and after the third time it happened, he grabbed the other guy in a half-headlock and put his finger up his nose. It was one of the funniest and weirdest things I’ve ever seen. How do you react to a finger up the nose? My friend chose to look horrified and start laughing. The nasal attack is a rare strategy indeed, and deserves a place on the list.

13. Hey, I’m not implying anything. It’s a lovely country.

From starting placekicker Casey Barth’s profile:

“Would like to visit Thailand.”

12. Masochism

Travis Bond (junior guard):

If he could play for any NFL team, it would be the Panthers.

If he could give himself a tattoo with any implement, it would be a rusted pair of scissors dipped in poisonous indigo.

11. Endless Loops

Josh Bridges:

People say he looks like teammate Joshua Adams

Joshua Adams:

People say he looks like actor Morris Chestnut and his father

Actor Morris Chestnut:

People say he looks like Josh Bridges.

Joshua Adams’ father:

Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?

10. Traitor

Charles Brown, Cornerback:

Has a pet named Duke.

Is it weird to anyone else that they say ‘pet’ instead of ‘dog’ or ‘cat’ or ‘parrot’? You think it’s something weird like a komodo dragon, and the PR people didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable? Or was it something nice, like a puppy, and they didn’t want that associated with the word ‘Duke’? These are questions to ponder.

9. Good Genes

C.J. Feagles, Punter:

Father Jeff retired after the 2009 season as the NFL leader in career punts, punt yardage, and games played (352).

I only include this because I fucking love Old Man Feagles. He was more or less my favorite player on the Giants for years. I really need a Feagles jersey.

8. I Write My Own Damn Questions

Brian Gupton, Safety:

If he owned a racehorse, he would name it “Santa’s Little Helper”

There are a few standard questions they asked everyone for the media guide, like ‘what’s your favorite tv show?’, ‘who do you look like?’, and ‘what was your New Year’s resolution?’ But nowhere else in the entire guide did I see a question about naming a hypothetical horse. I’d like to conclude that Gupton wrote the question himself, and then insisted that the PR people put it in the guide.

“But Brian, we have a set of standard questions that-”

“PUT IN THE HORSE. PUT IT IN.”

“Okay…okay. The horse is in.”

7. Topical

Erik Highsmith, receiver:

“Pet Peeve is when people do things slowly.”

Least favorite person: Chancellor Holden Thorp

6. Healthy Minds

Cam Holland, center:

New Year’s resolution was to give up vegetables.

“It was so easy! Anyone who can’t follow through on their resolutions just has no will power!”

5. Awkward Dinner Parties

Ryan Houston, tailback:

If he could invite three people to dinner, dead or alive, he would choose Brandon Jacobs, Beyonce, and Jesus.

Jacobs and Houston: Any chance you’ll sleep with us?

Beyonce: None.

Jesus: What about me? Just kidding! Unless, uh…

Beyonce: No.

Jesus: I was kidding! Come on!

(Two things. One, I’m going to hell. Two, Houston also had the horse question, which probably screws my Brian Gupton theory.)

4. Over Capacity

Nelson Hurst, tight end:

Favorite possession is his moped.

The dude is 6’3″, 260. That poor fucking moped. What does he use it as, a toothpick?

3. We Are Now Being Watched

Matt Merletti, safety:

His father is senior vice president of the Cleveland Browns and the former director of the U.S. Secret Service.

I think Matt Merletti is a wonderful player, and I would never say or think anything different. Good thing he’s so wonderful, because it makes him a perfect fit for our wonderful country. I think America is the best. You’ll never catch me saying a bad word about this great land. Also, I love every president and hate communists. I mean terrorists. Anyone who isn’t American, I mean. I think everyone should be American. Shouldn’t they? What a fine, fine place. It could only maybe be a little better if a Merletti was president, but then again, that’s a minor quibble for the greatest place in the universe. Nothing to see here!

2. Superstition

Jonathan Smith, Safety:

His pregame ritual is to take three sips of three new Gatorades.

They left out the second part: “and pour the rest on a punter.”

1. What Lies Beyond

This is the most tantalizing picture ever of Withers and his team:

Sir Everett, the French army approacheth!

What are they looking at?

My guess is it’s Butch Davis, finally free to run around the field naked like he’s always wanted. But I want to emphasize that it’s only a guess, and I don’t have solid proof. It could be almost anyone running around naked, like Roy Williams or Tyler Hansbrough.

Before I go, HUGE kudos to the UNC public relations for actually putting interesting stuff about their people in the media guide. Take notes, Duke. It took me forever to find 15 things for the Devils, but I didn’t even get halfway through the Carolina guide before I met quota. Great work, Kevin Best and all his assistants. Great. Work.